The Tale of the Beautiful Princess and the Wonderful Prince
(Abridged Version)

By Vincent Sakowski

Our tale begins with the Wonderful Prince--who never really believed he was particularly wonderful--but that's a tale for another time, perhaps. Anyway, the Wonderful Prince was a well-traveled man who came from a modestly wealthy kingdom. His father, the Not-So-Wonderful King had drunk much of the kingdom's fortune away, so the Wonderful Prince was often left to his own devices to make a living. No silver spoons hanging from his mouth or under his nose for this prince. No sir. At this time in our tale, however, not only was the Wonderful Prince slaving away in the marketplace as little more than a faceless number, but he was also out for some higher education attending a local university. Unfortunately, he was taking English and Drama, so no one was really certain about how serious he was about getting a real job after he got his degree.

But the Wonderful Prince was happy, and at least he could pretend he was doing something useful while being in school. Part of his happiness was derived from all of the young maidens who were attending the university. This was a rather progressive kingdom, and there were even more maidens in attendance than gentlemen, and the maidens were generally smarter, too. However progressive though, most of the professors were of the Ye Olde Wonkey School, and they curved their marks so the maidens never looked that much smarter.

One of these maidens was the Beautiful Princess--but like Wonderful Prince who didn't think he was so wonderful--this princess didn't think she was beautiful in the least. Like many maidens, she had low self-esteem, plus she was really into science-fiction-space-opera-kinda-things, so her Nerd Level was pretty high, even though she was royalty.

The Beautiful Princess was also taking English and Drama--so obviously, neither were too concerned about earning money later after the student loans had piled up. Yes, even royalty had to resort to such handouts sometimes. Or maybe, the two weren't too bright...that's yet to be seen.

So the Wonderful Prince met the Beautiful Princess one day in the Drama building. A mutual friend, Sir Skinny de Shallow, introduced him to her. The Beautiful Princess was polite, but seemed to show no special interest in the Wonderful Prince. Meanwhile, the Wonderful Prince was stunned, not simply by her extraordinary beauty and more than ample bosom, but in fact by all those nerdy qualities that usually make most courtiers ride like Hell to the next kingdom. Sir Skinny had been chatting up the Beautiful Princess to him for the past few weeks. They were old friends, and de Shallow knew the Wonderful Prince's taste in women, and that he too had a streak of nerdom within, though nowhere near as great as that within the Beautiful Princess.

So, the Wonderful Prince did as much as he could in the following months trying to look cool in front on the Wonderful Princess. Never talking too much, or attracting too much attention, always ready with a witty line whenever possible, but without being annoying--or so he hoped. He was always polite and as gentile as he could be, and he did all he could in every subtle way he could think of to woo her. And he told no one, not even Sir Skinny de Shallow, for fear that he was cursed. Every time in the past when he had told someone of a possible conquest, it always ended badly for him. Usually because, his other friends in the royal court were competitive assholes who would do everything they could to make him look bad after they found out. Many hit on the poor maidens themselves, sometimes tag-teaming them until they fled in terror straight to the royal therapist, Dr Quackis Seeitolduso.

Unfortunately, the Wonderful Prince's actions were so subtle that the Beautiful Princess wasn't catching on. Though it was rumored at one point during this time she confessed to one of her handmaidens that his hindquarters were pleasing to the eye. But that has never been officially confirmed. Or, again, there was some question of her intelligence. Just another part of their mystery and romance.

Finally, it came to pass that one of the most renowned balls of the season had arrived, and everyone who was anyone was going to be there. The Wonderful Prince did his utmost to prepare--he even shaved for the occasion, and spared no expense on the cologne: eau de manhood. And somehow he knew this was going to be his lucky night in one way or another. Ready to roll, he got in his chariot and rode to pick up de Shallow, who was always a bit of a freeloader. As he got in the chariot, the Wonderful Prince raised an eyebrow and asked the all-important question:

"Bring any lamb skins?"

Sir Skinny paused for a moment, the thought dawning on him for the first time. "Think I should?"

"Drama chicks, man."

"I'll be right back."

So, the young nobles arrived, with individually wrapped tubular mutton in their coin purses, as was the tradition. As foretold, anyone who was everyone was there, except for the Beautiful Princess. Majorly bummed out, the Wonderful Prince approached some of the young maidens who were known to hang with the Beautiful Princess, and discreetly inquired about her. He happily found out that she would be arriving "fashionably late, of course." The prince smiled, still holding his secret as best as he could, then got some ale and partied down until she arrived. He saw no point in just waiting in some corner--there was dancing and drinking to be done. Plus, he knew he could always blow it in a big way with the Beautiful Princess--again, always forgetting how wonderful he was--and he wanted to keep his options as there were many other fine maidens out and about. Just another good reason for him to have kept his secret.

So, the Wonderful Prince drank and danced, until the Beautiful Princess finally arrived, and man was she hot. Normally, a modest dresser, especially for royalty, but on par for nerderosity, tonight she was attired in the finest black silk and lace, with crème highlights. Her luxuriant milk chocolate hair that was twice as sweet was swept back over her shoulders; leaving her more than oh-so ample cleavage to be free and admired by all. Behind her spectacles--especially cut from the sturdiest wine bottle bottoms--her sky blue eyes that were twice as deep sparkled under the glitter ball flashing in the ballroom.

The Wonderful Prince wasted no time and approached her before anyone else got a chance.

"Good evening. You look beautiful. Would you like some wine or ale? Or a dance, perhaps?"

Returning his warm gaze, and perhaps truly seeing him for the first time, the Beautiful Princess replied: "Thank you. You look wonderful yourself. Why don't we dance?"

Taking her by the hand, the Wonderful Prince led her amongst the crowd, and they danced the night way, with only eyes for each other. At one point, the Wonderful Prince was so bold as to quote the "Kissing Scene" from one of the Renown Bard's best known plays: Two Impetuous Teens That Should Have Just Waited A Little Longer Before Doing Anything More Stupid. So the Wonderful Prince spoke both parts, but in the end was not so bold as to actually kiss the Beautiful Princess himself. Nonetheless, she was blown away, not simply by his accurate and charming recitation, or by his delving into such romance. No, she was doubly impressed by his willingness to touch upon his feminine side and do the girl's role with as much skill and enthusiasm as the boy's role. But, she was equally pleased that he wasn't overly willing or overly skillful with the girl's role. There was only one person she wanted wearing tights with his breeches, and not with her skirts.

And so, the two fell in love that night. The Wonderful Prince asked for the name of her messenger, and he set up another date immediately. But the two had difficulty on deciding what they should do, until finally they agreed upon the new tragi-comedy: I Love You So Much I Could Kill You. It was about a young couple who falls immediately in love, then grow old together and fall out love, and do everything they can to torment one another until they inadvertently kill each other.

They went. They saw.

"It's only a play." They said to each other after it was done, trying to console each other. The Wonderful Prince took the Beautiful Princess back to her family's castle, and walked her to the drawbridge. They stood by and waited for it to be lowered.

"Beautiful night." He leaned in a bit, but not too close.

"Wonderful." She replied, and took a tiny step back. "Do you believe in Courtly Love?"

"Well, her music both sucks and blows, and her orchestra is appropriately named, as in 'I'd like to throw her in a deep one,' or 'what a stinky...' But I think she was in on the death of her husband. She wouldn't be anywhere now if it wasn't for him."

"No. Courtly Love."

"Oh, that. Sorry."

"Well, I do, and as much as I would like to in some ways, I'm not ready to kiss you yet."

And the drawbridge was definitely down. All the way down. Where it was going to stay for a long time. Longer than the Wonderful Prince ever anticipated. However, since he was so wonderful, he simply said:

"OK. I'll wait until you're ready."

The Wonderful Prince had no idea just how prophetic these words would be--how often he would have to wait...and wait...and wait...and wait. But because he was so wonderful and she was so beautiful, he didn't mind, as the payoff in the end was pretty damn good. And I'm not talking about her dowry, either.

So ended the first chapter of the rest of their lives together...as for the rest well that's another abridged tale for another time.