Bringing Home the Bacon

By Stephen D. Rogers

The Second Little Pig shook his head. "He jumped all over that opportunity to end the conversation."

"Whatever." The Third Little Pig sat back. "Look, I'm tired of this constant squabbling. Every day it's the same thing, we come here and fight."

"You want to sell out your share of the business?"

"No. Being in business together isn't the problem. It's still living together in that sty. Face it: we don't get along but we've become too complacent to move out on our own."

"So what's the problem?"

"The problem is that we sublimate our anger about the living conditions and then release the bile here at work where we should be sticking together."

"You may have a point there. I've noticed that First Little has been very short tempered lately."

"We all have. That's why I think we need to split up to save this partnership so that Hog Wild becomes the success that it deserves."

The First Little Pig came rushing into the back room. "He wants one of you to help him. He threatened me. He actually threatened me."

The Second Little Pig stood. "I'll go."

The First Little Pig paced, wiping his brow with a red handkerchief. "I never knew anyone that took hats more seriously than we did. I showed him one of my favorite designs and he nearly exploded."

"Speaking of violence, I was just talking to The Second Little Pig. I think it's time we moved out of the family homestead. There's been too much tension between us."

The First Little Pig winked. "Have you been hiding someone from us?"

"What do you mean?"

"All of a sudden you need more space. You need more privacy. Maybe she wants you to move in with her."

The Third Little Pig laughed. "I wish there was someone, but there isn't. It's just that we're at each other's throats all the time, we never get a break from each other."

The Second Little Pig shot through the door. "He's one tough customer."

The First Little Pig clapped his hands to his head. "You made him angry too?"

"Third Little, I suggest you don't keep him waiting."

The Third Little Pig entered Hog Wild and immediately noticed the nattily dressed wolf gazing at himself in one of the many mirrors. The conceited were usually an easy sell. "May I help you?"

The wolf turned, rearranging his teeth into a smile. "I'm looking for a hat."

"You've come to the right place."

The wolf stroked his goatee. "I'm looking for something that will impress the chicks."

The Third Little Pig made a short bow. "I'm sure you don't need the extra help, but we certainly have something that will meet your needs."

"Your two little friends appeared to have a problem understanding what was required."

"I'm here to correct that."

The wolf growled. "The first one, he brought me a hat made out of bricks. The hat was so heavy that it gave me a headache."

"Would you like an aspirin?"

The wolf waved away the suggestion. "The second one, he brought me a hat made out of wood. I have the splinters to prove it."

"Should I fetch a doctor?"

"What I would like you to fetch is a hat that will suit me."

"Of course. I'm thinking something light so as not to slow you down, something airy so you don't have to huff and puff to get oxygen to your obviously large brain."

"Bring it on."

Measuring the wolf's head in his mind, The Third Little Pig brought out an appropriately sized hat. "Straw. Not only does a straw hat have the two aforementioned benefits, but straw attracts chicks, gets them in the mood for nesting if you know what I mean."

"I've been to the hen house." Gingerly, the wolf took the straw hat and placed it on his head. "Perfect."

"I was just going to say that."

Asking for the hat to be placed on his account, the wolf left the shop, the tinkle bringing The Third Little Pig's brothers as if they had been waiting for the sound.

"Is he gone?"

"Did he buy anything?"

The Third Little Pig blew onto his fingertips. "Straw was the material of choice."

The First Little Pig sighed. "Obviously, a man of taste."

The Second Little Pig shrugged. "Of some sort."

The First Little Pig took a fighting stance. "The way he talked, he was quite a popular flavor himself."

The Second Little Pig glanced away. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

The Third Little Pig raised his hand. "Can you two hear yourselves? It's just like I said earlier. You're just fighting for no reason at all."

"No we're not. We're discussing what makes someone attractive. That is our business after all."

"Before you two start buying straw hats and growing goatees, how about what I discussed with the both of you?"

And so it came about that the three little pigs broke up their living arrangement and built their own houses: one of straw, one of wood, and one of brick.

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