Would That It Were

By Lazette Gifford

Ice filled the air, covered the ground, and coated just about everything Nuri could see as he paused, half way up the hill. He looked up at the sky and cursed in four languages, three of which he actually understood. Then he added a special curse for the elders of Westhu who had decided that foreigners couldn't ride horses in their city. He understood the attempt to curtail the growing congestion on the narrow, old streets, but the injunction played hell on someone who had business in the center of the city. Even last night's amusing gossip, including an entertaining tale from the Senon capital about the unfortunate prince heir and his sorceress fiancée, couldn't make up for this hellish trip back to the caravansary this morning.

Nuri pulled the cloak tighter as he topped the penultimate hill. He could already hear the bray of camels and the bellows of men beyond the next rise. Barter's voice shouted above everything else, cursing the camels again. Nuri decided to let his foreman get the recalcitrant beasts (both camel and human) in order.

An old woman fortuneteller sat at a table just inside the door of a tavern at the hilltop. He watched as she dropped ancient stone runes on the table and mumbled before gathering them up. "Should be better weather," she said, and threw the runes again. He wondered when people would stop trying to predict the weather. "Sunny and warmer. Don't look sunny and warmer to me."

Nuri needed a distraction, and carefully made his way along the slippery walkway to the tavernng, stepping just inside out of the breeze.

"Your pardon," he said, pushing back his hood. "Are you willing to cast for me?"

"You're not a local," she said, eyes narrowing as she looked up at him. "Do you believe?"

"Oh yes," he said. He pulled a little stool over from the wall and sat before her. He also placed two copper cats on the table and dropped an entire silver dog into her begging bowl.

"That's more than they pay me," she said, frowning.

Nuri smiled with a little embarrassment. "Call me superstitious. Whenever I start out on a new journey, I try to do as many good deeds as I can before I'm out on the trails. I believe in karma."

She stared a moment and then nodded. "Good then."

The old woman had a whisper of power--he could feel it, a little warmth in the mage stone he wore at his neck. He wondered if she could feel the same in him. She may not have been able to predict the weather even by looking into the clouds, but she had some talent.

She gathered up her stones and the fee, and then ran her hand across the table, dislodging breakfast crumbs, before she reached into her lap and brought up a cloth, flicking it out across the wood.

Well, a real professional. He hadn't seen a warding cloth in some time, and though old, this one still held power.

She dropped a rune. It rolled and landed in a red embroidered square. She shook her head, frowning as she looked up at Nuri. "This is not a good day for travel."

He looked out into the street behind him, and the wind suddenly threw sleet in his face. "Yes, I had already figured out that part."

"Ah. Yes." She pulled out the next three runes and dropped them together. Stared for a moment, and ran her fingers over the runes, mumbling a little. "She is not what she seems."

Great. Another woman disguised as a man traveling with the caravan. He wondered why the hell they kept doing that to him. He hired women all the time. He never turned down a paying female traveler, and he made certain, being a mage of some little power, that no one bothered them. But they still came, disguised, to travel with him.

He watched while the old woman gathered up the last handful of runes and cast them on the cloth, preparing for the final part of the reading.

Runes leapt right and left, hopping off the table for no apparent reason. She gave a startled yelp and tried to catch them, but they...evaded her hands. Only five stayed on the cloth. She looked at them, shaking her head. "Circles. Never ending."

Sounded like the trade business to him. Up from the south, down from the north, and back again.

"Chaos," she said. "There will be chaos. And... And...."

"Yes?" he asked, leaning closer.

She looked up and blinked. "And beware of small furry creatures."

They stared at each other for a long, silent moment.

"Well," he said.

She shrugged and gathered up the cloth and climbed under the chair for the recalcitrant runes. "Chaos," she mumbled. "Chaos everywhere."

"Thank you for--"

Something brayed. Someone screamed. And he heard the unmistakable sound of a camel charging up the road.

"Your pardon. I had better go." He pulled his hood back up, and hurried out of doorway.

Forgot the ice.

Nuri took three steps out into the street before he realized that his feet had not touched solid ground in two. With a frantic turn, he began to slide forward--right into the face of a charging camel who was not exactly sure-footed on the ice either.

"Oh hell!"

The camel screamed.

He hadn't time for a spell. He hadn't much time for anything at all, and only thought to pray after he had grabbed hold of the camel's neck and found they were both sliding down the hill he had so laboriously climbed a short time before.

"Stop you damned creature," he shouted into its fur. If he let go, he would slip under those hooves. If he held on, the Gods alone knew where they would end up. He had to get control of the animal.

When he looked up, he noted that the camel had tightly closed its eyes. That didn't help either. Nuri whispered a quick spell for levitation to try and get up on its back. His legs swung up, and his cloak, caught in the spell, came with him, billowing in the wind. They swerved now, like a ship on the sea. Interesting. He might be able to do something useful with that, later. Right now, however, he held on to a camel, his legs straight up in the air, and blood rushing to his eyeballs. He almost closed his eyes as well.

"Well, if that isn't the damnedest thing I've ever seen," someone said as they slid past.

Nuri threw his legs over the camel's back. It didn't like that and screamed, but Nuri held on, cursing as he scrambled for better control. He exchanged levitation for adhesiveness, and pushed the spell downward toward the ground and the camel's feet. The camel tried to get its footing, but the legs were apt to go out at any angle. At the moment they were sliding somewhat to the side and toward an intersection where he could see a carriage and two horses sedately making their way across his path.

The horses looked and screamed. The driver screamed. Nuri screamed.

The camel stopped.

He didn't even have time to curse as he went flying over the animal's head and landed, wind knocked out of him, on the ground in front of the camel.

The door to the carriage sprangto show a dour-faced middle-aged woman glaring down at him. "That was not amusing young man! These kinds of games are dangerous!"

"I--" he gasped. He tried to sit up, but his back protested. "I--"

"Get up off the ground, you scoundrel. Don't you even know how to behave in civilized company? Ah, and there's a captain of the guard. Captain! Do something with this young ruffian!"

"I--"

The captain pulled him to his feet. The woman harrumphed, slammed her door closed, and ordered the driver on. The camel had gone down on its knees, looking very closely at the ground.

"Reckless riding," the captain said, shaking his head. "Silver dog for a fine. Lucky it's not a horse. We don't let foreigners ride horses in the city, you know. Would have been a ten dog fine for that."

"I--" he started and then gave up. "Yes, sir."

He pulled the coin out of his belt pouch and handed it over. The man nodded, noted it in his pad, and looked at the camel. "Not good on the ice, huh?"

"Not much."

"Best keep him under better control."

"I'll be lucky to get him back on his feet," he said, but the Captain had already turned away, walking gingerly back to the edge of the building.

It took Nuri a long time, and plenty of patience, to finally get the animal moving again. They walked ever so slowly back up the hill. The fortuneteller came out, shaking her gray-haired head in dismay. "Doesn't look like a small furry animal to me!"

He nodded and kept going on to the caravansary, happier to be heading out of the city than he had expected. However, when he arrived he could see that his people were all lined up--and all his camels were loaded and waiting. He counted camels again.

And then Old Mad Man Crytis came around the side of the building from where his caravan still struggled to get ready to go--had been struggling, in fact, for the entire three days since Nuri's arrival. He'd camped, done his business, and decamped before the old man even got one camel ready to go.

"No, I told you! Won't sell the camels! Give him back, you thief!"

He kicked Nuri in the knee and dragged the camel off, though the creature gave him a baleful look. No wonder it had run. Nuri thought about protesting and demanding a refund of the silver dog. He thought about cursing. Instead he limped on to his own people. Karma, karma. They'd have a good journey.

"We got some new travelers, boss," Barter said. "They've been waiting for Old Mad Man to get moving, and they just can't stick around any longer. A couple merchants, one messenger, and a nice young couple with their own wagon and supplies. Problem is, our competitor is going to have a fit when we take off with them."

"He won't notice for a day, at best," Nuri said, rubbing his leg. Karma, indeed. Mad Man's loss and his gain. "They've paid the travel charge?"

"A golden cow per group," Barter said nodding with satisfaction.

"Good. Let's go."

"Weather's bad for travel," Barter said, looking up.

"No shit."

Barter started to say something more and changed his mind.

The caravan left Westhu in relatively good time. Once they out on the trail, Nuri met the new travelers, including the couple--a plump little guy named Pel, and his thin-as-a-board wife, Taffy. Nuri's broach warmed when he neared the two, which meant one probably wore some sort of charm or talisman. Taffy giggled and blushed for no apparent reason, and had a habit of patting her husband on the head, which he didn't seem to mind at all. It did, however, remind Nuri why he had never married.

When he looked back, he couldn't see Westhu behind them any more. It would be a couple months before he had to go back, and hoped he had recovered by then. Nuri spent the rest of the day keeping the camels moving and trying to decide which of the travelers was a woman in disguise this time.

The ice storm gave way to rain as soon as the morning warmed. It could have been worse, Nuri thought. He could have been herding skating camels all the way to the south. It rained all the way to the first night's stop. No one looked happy as they made camp, except for Pel and Taffy, who were apparently ecstatic to finally be going anywhere. The weather kept the procession from reaching the next caravansary on the road, so they ended up pitching tents at sunset in a grove of trees just off the road. His men secured the animals while he settled the travelers, who didn't like being out in thefor the night.

Nuri ate a late meal with Barter and finally slipped into his tent to sleep, grateful for the little brazier that took the chill off the air. He hoped he didn't awaken to ice...

"Sir? There's a problem."

Nuri sat up from his blankets, growling. The guard, Morse, knelt beside him, a red-tinted shadow in the dull light of the dying fire. "Rider just came in. I think you'll want to talk to him."

"Great. From where?"

"Coming up the road from the south, in the middle of the night. Scared the hell out of me, sir."

"I bet." He stood and wrapped the blanket up over his shoulders like a cloak and didn't even bother with his boots as he followed Morse out of the tent.

The rain had stopped, but a fog hung over the camp, damp and cold. He walked past the circle of sleepers and the wagons, past the line of camels and horses, and finally reached the road. Nuri had put a magical light up on a stand, normal warning to anyone that a mage protected the encampment nearby. The man standing beneath that light, a hand on his horse's neck, looked half dead. A cloth tied to his arm showed a spot of dried blood. Not good.

"Bit of trouble at the border, sir," the man said, bobbing his head so many times it looked like it had springs attached. "Border skirmish at the river, sir. The bridge took some damage."

"Well, hell," he said, and started thinking about the longer route to the southeast. "Thanks for the warning. You probably saved me a great deal of time and money."

Nuri dug into his belt and pulled out a golden cow, handing it over to the man. He whistled and nodded several more times before he climbed back on his horse and headed up toward the city. He'd probably have that drunk and gambled away before sunrise tomorrow, but at least he'd have one good night.

"Good thing we found out now. The trail forks a few miles from here. We won't have to backtrack," Nuri said.

"Yes sir. Longer journey, though. Think they might be done with their skirmish and have the bridge fixed before we get there?"

"I believe in karma," Nuri said. "I paid for a lot of it yesterday. There's the payback. We're going southeast."

"Yes sir," he said and went to stand by a tree where he could watch the road again.

Nuri turned back toward the camp, but caught the sight of something odd. There, just at the edge of the light, he saw a small brown furred rabbit standing on its back legs and looking so much like it had been listening in on the conversation that it startled Nuri--though not nearly as much as he startled the creature when he took a step that way. The rabbit spun and raced into the dark, poor thing.

He went back, stuck another piece of wood in the brazier, and curled up in his blankets again. And just before he drifted off to sleep, he thought he saw the rabbit again, there at the edge of the tent...

"Sir, there's trouble."

It was Barter this time, which meant different trouble. He cursed and got up, wrapping the blanket around him again. The moon sat low, and the animals sounded restless. It had to be close to sunrise.

A dozen uniformed men stood by the light this time.

"You the caravan master?" someone said, leaving his horse in the hands of another as he came forward.

"Yes sir," Nuri answered. They looked like they'd ridden all night.

"Trouble at the border. If you planned on going southeast, I suggest you take the other route."

"Yes sir, we heard--southeast? Earlier tonight a rider came through to report a border clash at the river crossing to the south. Said the bridge took some damage."

"Did he?" the man said. He took off his hat and ran his hand through his sparse, gray hair. "That bodes ill. Thought we faced an isolated incident, not a concerted attack along the entire river. Damn and double damn. I'd not head south if I were you, sir. And thanks for the information."

"But..." They weren't listening to him. The man ordered three of his men to head south and check out the situation, while the rest of the group mounted again and headed north. "But..."

Dust filled the air. He coughed and looked at Barter.

"What are we going to do sir?" Barter said.

"Head back to Westhu and sit it out for a few more days. Better that then getting caught up in someone's war. We better go start waking everyone and tell them the--"

The rabbit stood at the edge of the light, raised up on his back legs and shaking his head from side-to-side in dismay.

"What the hell is going on!" Nuri shouted. He leapt toward the rabbit who spun, taking off at leaping bounds--straight into the camel and horse stockade.

Chaos. That word kept coming to his mind as half-asleep camels and horses were suddenly startled awake by something darting among their legs with Nuri, hot in pursuit.

Chaos. Beware of small furry creatures.

He wanted his hands on that damned rabbit. He didn't know why, except that it was something within his reach, when everything else from the weather to the war seemed to be moving along without any input from him.

Barter kept up with him, cursing the horses and camels, and ordering the men to get them settled. The rabbit darted out the other side of the stockade, looking a bit muddy and unsteady, but still heading fast for the woods. Nuri followed right behind him, and Barter, wheezing like a pig in summer, managed to keep the pace as well.

The rabbit didn't know the area and headed straight for a small stream. It skidded to a stop at the edge of the water, and spun, darting for the nearest tree. Nuri slid to a stop, gasping out a spell and taking aim with his right hand.

"Just stop where you are, rabbit!" he said.

It didn't stop. Nuri cast a small, slow lightning ball to get its attention. The rabbit looked back, screamed, and tried to climb the tree.

"That," Barter said, wheezing, hands on his knees, "is no ordinary rabbit."

After a second bolt, the rabbit stopped trying to climb and stood with its back to the tree, panting and thumping his left leg. As Nuri came closer, it started to sidle away.

"One more step and we have rabbit stew for lunch."

It went still, except for an occasional thump of the leg. Nuri scooped it up by the scruff the neck and carried the annoying little creature back to the camp. His broach tingled, which didn't surprise him.

The others had all awakened by now, a clamor of protests and cries of dismay as word spread that they had to go back to the city. He waved a few of the others off. Taffy, surprisingly, came running toward him with fire in her eyes.

"What have you done to him, you brute!"

And she slugged Nuri so hard that he would have gone down if he hadn't fallen into Barter. And prepared to do it again.

She's not what she appears to be.

Nuri handed the rabbit to Barter, turned back, and kicked Taffy right in the balls.

With everything explained, the other members of the caravan hadn't minded holding up in the camp after all, on the faint hope that there would be better word from the border. And at least the weather had improved.

Nuri sat by the stream, a damp cool cloth against his bruised eye, and the calm of the little area somewhat soothing after the last few days. He frowned when Taffy and Pel arrived, both looking rather meek and apologetic.

"We need to talk," Pel said, and sat down on the grass beside him. He pulled up a couple half dried weeds and began to nibble at them while Taffy gracefully knelt beside him.

"Werebunny?" Nuri said, sitting the cloth aside. "How did you manage that one?"

"It was not my idea," Pel said with a rueful shake of his head.

"It's all my fault!" Taffy answered, her voice--his voice--oh hell, her voice--high and stressed. "Pel and I fell in love when he arrived in the capital four months ago. He made me feel so alive. We often met in his rooms late at night. Only my fiancée found us there, and...well, poor Pel paid the price. We had to escape, Nuri. I couldn't live with that woman in the same palace with me."

"Palace. Woman. Sorceress. Princess Marmar," Nuri said, his head starting to pound. "You are the heir."

"I'm running away to be a peasant, and live with the man I love!" she exclaimed, patting Pel on the head. Nuri wondered if she had taken to doing that before or after he was cursed to be a bunny at night. "We have funds, we just must get away before my parents or Marmar catches up with us!"

The thought of one of the most powerful sorceresses in the world on their trail did nothing at all for his growing headache. But in good conscience, he could not suggest they take their wagon and head south.

"You won't get over, and chances are they'll grab Pel--for a soldier if it's day, for stew if it's night."

"Oh, what horrid people!" she cried, and dabbed at her eyes with a cloth she pulled from her non-existent bosom.

"Calmly, love," Pel said, patting her hand. "We'll do fine. We've gotten this far. A war certainly isn't going to cause us any more trouble than we've already faced."

"True," she said. She frowned. "What do you suggest, Nuri?"

Karma, he reminded himself. He couldn't turn these two out now.

"Stick with the caravan. You'll draw less attention. We're going to stay here for the rest of today and tonight. If the word is better by morning, we'll head south and get across the border at the nearest crossing. If not, we'll head back to Westhu and hold up there. You might be able to connect with a caravan heading in another direction."

Taffy fretted, but Pel nodded. "That's as good as we can hope for right now. I do appreciate that you're willing to keep us in your care, Nuri."

"I have a soft spot for rabbits."

Pel laughed and got to his feet. Taffy stood and brushed down her skirts, and started back toward the camp, skipping along as though she hadn't a care in the world. Nuri walked back with Pel.

"Princess Marmar must have been shocked to find the prince in bed with you," Nuri said.

"Yes, but not for the reasons you think. Everyone in the capital knows about Taffy. Marmar intended to marry him for his title, not his body."

"Then why?" Nuri said, confused again.

Pel pursed his lips for a moment, and then shrugged. "Just remember one thing. It wasn't Taffy's room she walked into, unannounced, in the middle of the night."

"Oh hell."

"That was my reaction. But don't tell Taffy. She's so sweet, I would hate to upset her."

Nuri nodded, his mind a little numb. Pel skipped ahead and wrapped his arm around Taffy's waist. They made a nice looking couple.

Troops filled the road the next day, and Nuri decided to stay in their camp a while longer. On the dawn of the third day they finally turned back to the Westhu, where Nuri learned that they'd gotten lucky all the way around. The army had confiscated everything in Mad Man Crytis's caravan before they marched south, and the survivors of a caravan that had come up from south of the border told even worse tales.

Crytis had given up, abandoned his animals, and told the caravansary owner that he intended to go back home to take up his late father's trade of bear swapping. Or maybe it was swatting. No one seemed certain; though they all agreed it unlikely they'd see the man again.

"The army confiscated everything of his anyway," Mandom, a city clerk told Nuri. "All the horses, and all the goods. What they didn't take were the damned camels. We've had to feed and house the animals for days now, and the city is not prepared to do this indefinitely. So as soon as I heard you were back, I came to make a deal with you. The council has set the price at two dogs per camel. No dickering, Nuri. Just take it or leave it."

Two dogs wasn't a bad price. It was a bad time, but Nuri decided to take the chance. Either the war ended quickly, or the price of the camels wouldn't make that much difference in his future.

"Deal," he said.

"Thank the Gods," Mandon answered with fervent relief. He reached in his cloak and pulled out a leather bag, shoving it into Nuri's hand. "I no longer have to come here and take care of them. There are the dogs. Good luck with the damned animals."

Mandon spun and hurried away. It took Nuri a moment to realize that the city had just paid him to take the camels off their hands. One of the animals came and laid its head on his shoulder, dribbling on his shirt. He patted the familiar neck, and passed the creature on to Barter's care.

"You want to explain to me about this karma stuff again?" Barter said.

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